Opening Day

The Mancanthlon started off without much fanfare or fireworks – just 6 dudes in an empty bar during daylight hours on one of the nicest Saturdays to be outside in recent memory. Not even a mob of protestors outside the Verizon Center could deter us from the task at hand. And so the brackets were set and the games began.

Maigari, Marc and Stoddy were the clear favorites in darts – whatever it is these guys do in their spare time, they need to get some cooler hobbies. Somehow, Johnny “Cinderalla Story” Blair managed to slip into the #3 spot (although he did get spanked 319-0 in the opening match) and Stoddy had the game of his life to emerge as the Darts Champion with Marc a close second.

Pool turned out to be a total gong show. Perhaps bracketing the bad pool players together was not the most efficient use of time. At around the second hour, once Blair, Carlos and Stoddy figured out that the point of 8-ball is to get balls in the holes, not just knock them around the table, the Championship bracket was able to be set.

Blair and I, having been knocked out – turned our attention to more important matters….how to score cake from a twins birthday party in close proximity. Blair turned on his old-man charm as only he can, and before we knew it we were munching on cupcakes Lazy Sunday-style and espousing the genius of Mancathlon to Maggie Gyllenhaal and her married friend, whose husband kept tugging at her shirt-tail and throwing her the “stop talking to those jackasses” look. Needless to say, Maggie Gyllenhaal turned out not to be Maggie Gyllenhaal, and married chick decided we weren’t worth 6 months of marriage counseling.

Meanwhile, back at the pool table, Stoddy was running the table like Minnesota Fats as the rest of us watched powerless, realizing he was going to take down another event. Our last hope was Carlos….but much like his stature, Carlos came up short (since this will no doubt piss him off, I will note that he and I are the same height).

Scoreless and demoralized, I knew I needed the kind of pick-me-up that only a 12” diameter cookie cake could provide. Blair, in the evening’s first misdemeanor, solidified his status as best wingman ever by stealing a huge chunk of said cake - and with that, we fled the scene and headed to Stetsons to finish off the night with Foosball.

At Stetsons, the 2:00 AM mark came upon us (this had taken a lot longer than expected), with the outcome still in doubt. Marc, Stoddy and Carlos duked it out in the Championship round, while the rest of us couldn’t even muster the energy to feign interest and just wanted to go to sleep. At 2:15, just before closing time…Stoddy had done it again. A Trifecta on opening day. 3 events. 3 golds. Phelps would be proud.

And so after day 1, The ManBoard stands at:

Stoddy – 9

Carlos – 4

Marc – 3

Maigari – 1

Blair -1

Garcia - 0

As we head into next week’s athletic events, many questions remain. Will Stoddy’s 9 point edge be insurmountable. Will Maigari really drown in the pool? Will Blair really be sporting a speedo? Who is the fastest Mancathlete….and will I ever be able to score a F**CKING point in this damn competition?! Tune in next week.