Unleash The Fury

The ManCathletes huddled in the parking lot of the Alexandria YMCA wondering why the hell they were up so early on a cold and rainy Sunday morning. Marc and Maigari were hungover and/or still slightly drunk. Stoddy was on a combined 8 hours sleep in two days. He had clearly taken his momentum from last week’s victories onto the singles scene and was walking with the swagger of a man that had yet to be denied on or off the court. I, meanwhile, was on the other end of the spectrum. Not only had I been shut out on opening day, but I was still reeling from a somewhat disturbing encounter with a Yemen diplomat (male) and an Indian lawyer (female) on Friday night. Let’s just say it was reminiscent of Will Ferrell in Starsky and Hutch: “I’m not going to lie…it’s gonna get weird. Two Dragons.”
Nevertheless, it was game time….and it was time to Unleash The Fury!!!!!!
0900 - Basketball
May Madness kicked off with Marc and Andrew dominating the post and scoring at will against their sub-6-foot opponents. To add insult to injury, Stoddy appeared to be playing at a quarter speed in taking the top spot. 45 minutes into Day 2, and ManCathlon claimed its first victim of the day as Maigairi pulled up lame with an injured hamstring. Despite his pleas for us to take him out of his misery, equestrian style, his girlfriend ran to the CVS and returned with all sorts of bandages and heat wraps....Susie would not let her man go down so easily.
Stoddy – 3 pts; Marc – 2pts; Carlos – 1 pt.

1030 - Suicides
For those who have played basketball at any level, you know this to be every sadistic high school coach’s wet dream of a drill – to condition; to punish; or just for kicks. Maig’s injury seemed to put this event in play for everyone, but even a tweaked hammy can’t keep a thoroughbred at bay for long. And so running through the pain, Maigs was able to fight off a late surge by yours truly (yes, after 5 events – I had finally broken onto the ManBoard). More importantly, however, Stoddy had finally fallen – “He is not a machine….he’s a man!”
Maigs – 3 pts; Garcia – 2 pts; Marc - 1pt

1100 – Pullups
Not much to comment on this one – I will let the results speak for themselves (and I include the count to both reiterate my dominance and to prove that Blair and I don’t suck at all sports, just the ones that require skill).
Garcia – 3 points (25 pullups); Blair – 2 points (11 pullups); Maig - 1pt (10 pullups)
1130 – Punt/Pass/Kick
While it may not have been clear to the patrons of the Alexandria YMCA why 6 grown men were standing in the rain and appeared to be punting or throwing a football back and forth (but not to each other), what must have been evident was that three of them clearly sucked at whatever it is they were trying to do. I blame my mediocrity on my father, who clearly did not spend enough time with me as a child fostering the Pop Warner fundamentals I would need at the age of 29. I presume Carlos and Blair feel the same way. Plus, it probably didn’t help our cause that Andrew was 2nd string punter on his high school football team and Marc and Maigari were seasoned soccer players with years of experience in kicking the shit out of a ball.

Marc - 3 pts; Maig - 2pts; Stoddy - 1 pt
1200 – 50 Yard Swim
The event that Blair and I had been waiting for – a race between the two guys that are only good at sports that weren’t cool in high school. Unfortunately for me, the son-of-a-bitch came off the wall like a cruise missile and despite slamming his hand on the side of the pool, was able to hold off my final push in the last 15 yards to take the gold by just under a second. Meanwhile, Jenny, the on-duty lifeguard, sprang into Defcon 3 the moment Carlos and Maigari entered the pool. Much like a grizzly knows when her cubs are in danger; Jenny could sense that these guys did not belong in the water. Against all odds, and defying many-a-bookmaker in Vegas, Carlos and Maigari made it to one end of the pool and back without drowning, exhibiting a swimming style that can best be described as a hybrid between doggie paddle and a dying duck trying to stay above water. Hoping to showcase her skills, I’m sure Jenny was a little disappointed.
Blair – 3 pts; Garcia – 2pts; Stoddy - 1pt

1230 – Lunch
The term feeding frenzy doesn’t do justice to what transpired at the Five Guys in Alexandria, VA. I’ll estimate that in excess of 10,000 calories were collectively consumed. It was glorious.
1330 – Golf
We headed over to Topgolf (http://www.topgolfusa.com/) - this isn’t your grand-daddy’s driving range. As Marc busted out his Big Bertha, with a driving head the size of my face, I knew we were all in trouble. With the form of Roy McEvoy and the power of Jon Daly on the one day of the year he’s actually sober, Marc went so far as to crush one 285 yards. But, proving that golf is as much about finesse as it is about power, Maigari claimed the top spot, owing to his precision with the wedge and the 7-iron. Given the shanking exhibition Carlos, Blair and I were putting on, I’m pretty sure even the E*Trade baby would’ve spanked our ass.

Maig - 3 pts; Marc - 2 pts; Stoddy - 1 pt
1630 – Bowling
As we cruised over to Alexandria Lanes, it was clear we had ventured into the wrong side of the tracks…which in Virginia, basically just means you feel like you’re in West Virginia. As Blair remarked, “they don’t like blacks, gays or Mexicans here….does not bode well for us”. Stoddy and Marc continued their dominance in the games played best drunk portion of the ManCathlon, with 140+ after the first 10 frames. Meanwhile, Carlos continued his streak of finishing just out of the money, with another 4th place...proving that in ManCathlon, much like in life, it is better to be really good at a few obscure things and suck at all others, than to be kinda good at all things. Sorry 'Los, maybe next year we'll change the scoring.

Marc - 3pts (138 ave score); Stoddy - 2 pts (132 ave score); Maig - 1 pt (123 ave score)

1800 – 4 Mile Run
The last event of the day. Not much to write about a 4 mile run, except to say that each of us battled some form of fatigue, cramps and/or injury to finish the day off strong. And so, not less than 10 hours after we had begun, we concluded ManCathlon Day Two on the Mount Vernon Trail, just as the sun set on Alexandria. Good job, boys.
Garcia – 3 pts; Blair – 2 pts; Marc - 1 pt

With only Texas Hold ‘Em left, Stoddy’s lead ensures that he will emerge the victor of this year’s ManCathlon…but the fight for 2nd and 3rd is still very much alive. Your updated ManBoard:

Stoddy - 17
Marc - 13

Maigari - 11

Garcia - 10

Blair - 8

Carlos - 6

Opening Day

The Mancanthlon started off without much fanfare or fireworks – just 6 dudes in an empty bar during daylight hours on one of the nicest Saturdays to be outside in recent memory. Not even a mob of protestors outside the Verizon Center could deter us from the task at hand. And so the brackets were set and the games began.

Maigari, Marc and Stoddy were the clear favorites in darts – whatever it is these guys do in their spare time, they need to get some cooler hobbies. Somehow, Johnny “Cinderalla Story” Blair managed to slip into the #3 spot (although he did get spanked 319-0 in the opening match) and Stoddy had the game of his life to emerge as the Darts Champion with Marc a close second.

Pool turned out to be a total gong show. Perhaps bracketing the bad pool players together was not the most efficient use of time. At around the second hour, once Blair, Carlos and Stoddy figured out that the point of 8-ball is to get balls in the holes, not just knock them around the table, the Championship bracket was able to be set.

Blair and I, having been knocked out – turned our attention to more important matters….how to score cake from a twins birthday party in close proximity. Blair turned on his old-man charm as only he can, and before we knew it we were munching on cupcakes Lazy Sunday-style and espousing the genius of Mancathlon to Maggie Gyllenhaal and her married friend, whose husband kept tugging at her shirt-tail and throwing her the “stop talking to those jackasses” look. Needless to say, Maggie Gyllenhaal turned out not to be Maggie Gyllenhaal, and married chick decided we weren’t worth 6 months of marriage counseling.

Meanwhile, back at the pool table, Stoddy was running the table like Minnesota Fats as the rest of us watched powerless, realizing he was going to take down another event. Our last hope was Carlos….but much like his stature, Carlos came up short (since this will no doubt piss him off, I will note that he and I are the same height).

Scoreless and demoralized, I knew I needed the kind of pick-me-up that only a 12” diameter cookie cake could provide. Blair, in the evening’s first misdemeanor, solidified his status as best wingman ever by stealing a huge chunk of said cake - and with that, we fled the scene and headed to Stetsons to finish off the night with Foosball.

At Stetsons, the 2:00 AM mark came upon us (this had taken a lot longer than expected), with the outcome still in doubt. Marc, Stoddy and Carlos duked it out in the Championship round, while the rest of us couldn’t even muster the energy to feign interest and just wanted to go to sleep. At 2:15, just before closing time…Stoddy had done it again. A Trifecta on opening day. 3 events. 3 golds. Phelps would be proud.

And so after day 1, The ManBoard stands at:

Stoddy – 9

Carlos – 4

Marc – 3

Maigari – 1

Blair -1

Garcia - 0

As we head into next week’s athletic events, many questions remain. Will Stoddy’s 9 point edge be insurmountable. Will Maigari really drown in the pool? Will Blair really be sporting a speedo? Who is the fastest Mancathlete….and will I ever be able to score a F**CKING point in this damn competition?! Tune in next week.

ManCathlon Summit 2009

The Allies had Yalta; Gorby and Ronnie had Rekjavik (I just went obscure cold war missile defense summit reference on your ass…suck on it, history majors); and so it will be remembered that six ManCathletes assembled on April 21, 2009 at Momo's on U St. We weren’t here to discuss Maigairi’s disturbing obsession with Justin Timberlake; and it certainly wasn’t for the “Stop Gchatting My Girlfriend, Because It Fills Me with a Red Hot Jealous Rage” intervention that Carlos had planned for me later this month. All that would have to wait. Tonight was for one reason and one reason only – final agreement on all things ManCathlon.

Needless to say, tensions were running high and negotiation tactics were in full force. Maigairi dropped his requirement that SexyBack be played prior to every event so long as Blair agreed to stop insisting on 3 swimming/diving events ("How many times do I have to tell you dude, I can't swim!"). Meanwhile, I was channelling my Junior year paper on Game Theory to try to get everyone to agree to pullups as an event. The biggest challenge, of course, was working around Stoddy's dating schedule. Luckily after a bucket of beers and some enthusiastic debate, it all came together. So here it is, your Mancathlon 2009:

When: All bar events to be completed Saturday, April 25. All athletic events to be completed Sunday, May 3. Mancathlon is capped off by a Texas Hold 'Em tournament Sunday night.

April 25. Rocket Bar and Lucky Strike, Chinatown
Darts – Round robin style tourney of "Cricket".

Pool - Round robin tourney of 8-ball.

Foosball - Round robin tourney to 10.

Bowling - Best average score of 2 games played.

May 3. Virginia, Maryland and DC area

Basketball - one-on-one round robin tourney. Bonus round of most 3 pointers out of 10 attempts.

Long Run – 4 Mile Run.

"Suicides" - As performed on a standard basketball court. Free throw line, half crt line, free throw line, in-bound line and back.

Swimming – 50 yard swim.

Pullups – Most pull-ups on a standard pull-up bar in one attempt. Must touch chin and come completely down to count.

Golf – Longest drive out of 10 swings. Bonus round – closest to the hole.

Punt/Pass/Kick - Distance and accuracy to the line.

Poker (Closing Event) – Texas Hold ‘Em Tournament. Single buy-in. Play until one man left standing.

Rules: All athletes must compete in every event. For 4-mile run, athletes must finish at least 3 miles. All round robin tournaments will be played with two brackets selected at random. The top three record holders advance to the Championship round robin bracket. Tie breakers will be (1) head-to-head matchups, and then (2) Points For-Against.

Scoring: All events are scored on 3-2-1 basis to the top three finishers. Bonus round winners get a 1 point bonus. Any disputes over Ties will be settled by either Paper-Rock-Scissors (best 2 out of 3) or a re-do of the event, at the participants election.

…and with everyone in agreement, the evening came to a close. Stay tuned for results, pictures, and hopefully a funny video of someone getting hit in the nuts.

Finally, in remembrance of our predecessors, I pose the question – who of the Yalta Big 3 below would win a ManCathlon? Obviously, FDR was wheelchair bound, Churchill was fat, and Stalin had webbed feet and was plain f**king nuts, but assuming everyone was at the peak of their mental and physical abilities. We'll leave that debate for another day....

Prologue

A few weeks ago, Mark and Maigari, after what was surely a long night of binge drinking and heated arguments over who had the better soccer jukes (when I replay the night in my head, the soundtrack from Rudy is playing in the background), convinced themselves that their best days on the field were not yet behind them, and that the dream of being carried off the field in victory could still be realized.

Out of the drunken, competitive haze of that night - a sport was born. That sport was Mancathlon. The details are quite simple. Each competitor picks three sports - (players agree on 12 total) - to be played over the course of two weekends. While the scoring system and sporting events are still being negotiated, highest point tally at the end wins.

This site is meant to chronicle Mancathlon over the coming weeks ahead, and be a repository for trash talking and the running score tally, henceforth known as The ManBoard.

We all know the stakes.
Lets get it on!